Techniques for Dealing with Anger

Instead of reacting impulsively, train yourself to keep a lid on angry feelings until you have cooled down. Then confront the situation -- or person -- calmly. When flooded with negative emotions, the ability to hear, think and speak are severely impaired. Taking a "time out" can be enormously constructive. However, 5 minutes is not enough; research suggests that people need at least 20 minutes to recover from intense feelings. During those minutes (and at other times, too), try some of these techniques for coping with and defusing anger:

• Become aware of what precipitates your anger.
  Most of us have identifiable triggers. Once you know the roots of your anger, you can deal with it more constructively.
• Monitor the feelings and bodily sensations you experience when you're becoming angry.
  Learn to use these sensations as cues to stop and consider what is happening and what to do about it.
• Change the thoughts that trigger anger, interpreting the situation from a different point of view.
  Often, this involves looking at the situation from the other person's perspective. Instead of, "Sue's deliberately trying to make me look bad," think "Sue must be having a bad day." Instead of "How dare you cut me off, you damn homicidal idiot!" think "Maybe that driver didn't see me." Changing thoughts produces new feelings which displace the anger. The quicker you can reinterpret a situation the better. Brooding fuels anger, but seeing things differently quells it. Reframing a situation is one of the most potent ways of controlling anger.
• Write down angry thoughts.
  Once you have them on paper, challenge and reappraise them. Try writing a letter to the person you're angry with and then tear it into a hundred pieces. But be careful: The longer you dwell on what made you angry, the more reasons and self-justifications you can find for being angry. Try not to fan your own fire.
• Identify and express the feelings that precede anger.
  Anger is often a secondary emotion, erupting in the wake of other feelings, like frustration, resentment, humiliation, or fear. Try to become aware of the underlying emotion and express that feeling instead of anger.
• Respond assertively.
  The goal isn't to suppress anger, but to express it in non-aggressive ways. Blaming, accusations, threats and name-calling are aggressive responses. Calmly and assertively stating your thoughts and feelings about a situation, without blaming, is a far more powerful way to respond in conflict.
• Relax.
  Anger is a high-arousal state, so one of the most helpful things you can do is engage in an activity that lowers blood pressure and heart rate. Helpful activities include: yoga, stretching, deep breathing, massage, visualization, guided imagery or meditation. Activities like gardening, painting, and woodworking may also be very helpful. Running, walking, dancing, swimming and other forms of aerobic exercise "work off" anger and leave you feeling relaxed.
• Relinquish your anger.
  If angry feelings about a particular person or situation are eating at you and none of the above techniques proves helpful, try doing what may be the most courageous and difficult thing of all: Just let it go. If the anger is based on some old wound deep inside, letting go starts a healing process. Consider enlisting the support of a professional counselor or therapist.