The Four Horsemen of the Relationship

These are four ingredients discovered by noted expert in relationship/marital therapy, John Gottman, Ph.D., that are destructive to relationships.

CRITICISM - any statement that suggests that there is something globally wrong with your partner, or is a lasting part of their character. Often starts with "you always" or "you never." Complaints are OK, ex. "It bothers me when you don't put the toilet seat down". Criticism would be, "It bothers me when you don't put the toilet seat down; you are such an inconsiderate jerk."

DEFENSIVENESS - any attempt to defend yourself from a perceived attack. The problem is that it usually involves denying responsibility for the problem, implying that the other person is the guilty party, rather than both being wrong. One for the act, one for the attack.

CONTEMPT - any statement, or nonverbal behavior, that puts you on a higher status than your partner. Mockery is an example, and there is a universal facial expression.

STONEWALLING - occurs when the listener withdraws from the interaction. They often use of silence and avoid eye contact.

The Top Four Things Couple Fight About

• Money
• Sex
• Kids - disciplinary practices
• In-laws

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